The other day I was waiting in line at Subway when I found myself next to one of those life-size cutouts of Jared (don’t pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about) holding up a huge pair of jeans. I started wondering if he drags the same old pair of fat pants around the country, or if he has multiple pairs to spare. I got home and did a little searching online and came across something interesting. Apparently Jared has his own ‘rider’ for his speaking appearances.
I always assumed he was a pretty down-to-earth guy, but this document tells a slightly different story (see ‘hospitality’). Apparently fame has gone to Jared’s head. Doesn’t he mainly speak at schools and stuff?
Oh god, I can’t stop thinking about this. Some young guy named Angel Pantoja Medina died the other day, and his last request was to stand at his own wake. So the embalmers did their thing and left him propped in the corner of his mom’s living room.
For three days. Do you think she put a sheet over him before she went to bed or what? I can’t imagine going to the kitchen for a glass of water in the middle of the night knowing that there was a corpse standing in my living room. The sunglasses make it so much worse… he could be watching you from behind there. Gosh, this scares me so much that I want to cry.
Spongebob Squarepants has gotten me through some really rough times in my life. I find the show very comforting and like to fall asleep to it occasionally. It gives me nice dreams.
That’s ruined now that someone in a Patrick costume was arrested for allegedly fondling a 16-year old girl in Maryland. Nightmares only from here on out.
I am really into poop, pee and farts. Not into them like that, but I’ve always had a scatological sense of humor and thankfully (?) I never outgrew it. Goddammit, I love a good shit joke! Earlier today, out of the blue, I remembered something from the fourth grade… I don’t know if it was a repressed memory or what but I haven’t thought about this in ages. I am now a chronic hand-washer, and the thought of these dirty deeds makes me nauseous now.
One of my favorite pasttimes with my neighbor Jennifer was to pretend that I was the strict headmistress of either an elite boarding school or an orphanage for poor children, depending on my mood. I kind of pictured myself as Miss Trunchbull from Matilda. Once all the girls (Jennifer) were in bed for the night, I would take my daily ‘constitutional’. My bathroom (my parents’ bathroom) was directly outside the girls’ dormitory (my parents’ closet) so they could clearly hear everything going on as they tried to fall asleep.
Here’s what I’d do: I’d take the bar of Irish Spring soap from my parents’ shower (this is the same bar that they washed themselves with!) and drop it repeatedly into the toilet to mimic the sound of a large turd plopping into the basin. I’d reach into the toilet again and again to retrieve the soap, all the while making loud grunting noises and pouring water from a cup to mimic the sound of urine being expunged from my large and ancient bladder. The girls (Jennifer) would loudly giggle and I would go into a rage and punish them (her).
I cannot believe that I used to willingly stick my hand into a toilet! Especially considering that my stepdad was such a fartbox- his poops must have been lethal. I feel just awful that they used to unwittingly bathe in shitwater.
Some of these ‘boarding school bowel movement’ sessions were recorded on my pink Sony boombox, but I don’t know where they are.
I would like to add something here that I hope won’t embarrass my friend too much. This anonymous friend once told me that while receiving a bath one night as a small lad, he said to his mom: “Now, I know it’s okay to pee in the tub, but can I poop in here too?” Love it!
I haven’t really been contributing too much to the site lately. And today I’m just going to throw up some more headlines. I’ll make it up to you somehow. (wink wink nudge nudge)
I put out a nice wooden suggestion box in the dining room the other day. My thought was, if we can get Dogs to feel that they really have a say in the daily household decision-making, they will feel more appreciated and will be better behaved. Also this system would allow them to submit their suggestions privately, without feeling like they were going to be judged or teased.
A week later, I opened the box. There were five suggestions that we spank B mercilessly, and one request for daily buffet-style steak dinners.
I used to go to the Medieval Fair every single year as a kid, and the Puke and Snot show was always a favorite. Snot died today of a heart attack. I hope Puke is able to find a suitable replacement soon. Maybe Phlegm and Semen are available.
Today at the vet I had to wait for several minutes while the nice lady behind the desk figured out how to use a computer machine to access my dogs’ records, so I checked out the bulletin board. There were lots of free kittens advertised plus a pot bellied pig to anyone who would take it. This ad caught my eye though. “Missing black chow 07/22/08 during storm (guess they could’ve used some Thunder Muffs). Pet name Lil Bad Girl.”
What did they expect giving her a name like that? I sincerely hope Lil Bad Girl is safe and sound somewhere though.
For some reason, he’s always despised Murder she Wrote so I bought this off eBay to present at his surprise birthday party this weekend.
**Update** Although I ordered this item a week before I needed to, it still isn’t here. I’m leaving for the birthday party tomorrow and will arrive empty-handed, thanks to wonderful Ebay seller. If anyone wants to purchase this autographed photo (certificate of authenticity supposedly included), let me know.
I am thrilled to introduce the first ever Diarrhetoric contest. Yay!
A couple of weeks ago I went grocery shopping, and when I got home I had a special surprise in my bag. One that I hadn’t picked out or paid for. But the store’s mistake is your good fortune!
Here’s the prize. Quite a deal, and they don’t expire until the end of August. The first person who emails me with their full social security number and the PIN from their debit card will win this tasty treat!
Good luck!
*Winner pays shipping costs and all applicable taxes
During a quick break from my busy social life, I compiled some of my favorite commercials from when I was growing up. If you’re reading this, you might be as bored as I am right now.
Ice Cream Jones
I still get this song stuck in my head every now and then. This was the greatest cereal ever. I’ve been ‘jonesing’ to see this commercial for a long time and am so glad someone’s finally put one on youtube.
Wendy’s. Where’s the beef? I used to love the Superbar.
Bonkers. Wow, that’s BIG flavor!
She-Ra! This always got me excited
Doublemint Gum. I KNOW I have a secret twin sister out there somewhere. I’ve always been jealous of twins.
Simon- still fun to play
McDonald’s. The burgers are so cute! Grimace is missing from this one though. I liked all of the McDonald’s commercials.
Teddy Ruxpin. I never got one. I think I was inappropriately old to even want one.
To make up for the mean-spirited comment I posted earlier today, please enjoy some more newspaper fuckups & funny stuff. I can’t get enough of these. I think it’s actually an addiction at this point. That brings my total addiction tally to approximately 16.
We all know that basics like gas and food are becoming increasingly expensive. Here’s a heartbreaking story about two women who are having a hard time affording groceries.
(This is terribly cruel of me, but I’m posting it anyway)
**Update** Maybe NPR got some shit for this, because they changed the headline from something like “for some, meat is too steep” to a generic “struggling in Ohio.”
Today The Smoking Gun posted a collection of mug shots featuring arrestees in hilarious t-shirts. Included are these two upstanding citizens:
It doesn’t say what these folks were arrested for, but I’m sure all of them would have changed shirts before being photographed if they had the opportunity. Entire collection here.
I don’t really enjoy flying, but I do like to get to where I’m going fast. If my flight’s delayed, I usually pass the time by making jokes in one of the airport bars. But when we were coming back from San Diego earlier this year, we had to pass underneath this large warning:
Well, shit. What was I going to do now that jokes were out of the question? I decided to take this sign very seriously, even beyond the security checkpoint, until we were safely at home. No way was anyone going to be able to accuse me of breaking the rules. I quietly talked about baby rapes and dead puppies until we boarded.
Once on the plane, we were greeted with the usual array of catalogs and safety information. Surely, a thorough reading of the Safety Instructions would be a sobering reminder of the fact that we were in a vehicle that could plummet from the sky at any time, kill us all, and ruin our luggage. This would silence my strong urge to joke, right? Wrong. Check out this model demonstrating how to use an emergency slide (which may be grey OR yellow).
There are just so many things to laugh at in this picture: the guy’s weird facial expression, his mustache, his posture, and the way he appears to be floating above the slide. And it looks like he spilled some grape juice on his shirt during the turbulence of an emergency landing. Anyhow, I made a joke about the brochure and laughed out loud. Nothing happened. No one even noticed. I decided to take that to mean that I can ignore all warnings I see in the future, so I stole the brochure even though it was clearly marked “DO NOT REMOVE FROM AIRPLANE”.
Since Stella got a post last week, I thought I’d give B one today. Here she is with her stuffed hippo, hamming it up for the camera last night. I’d like to get some erasers made that look like her cute little nose.
And here she is on the first night we had her, checking us out. Surprisingly, I don’t register ‘disgust’ in her eyes. Then again, she enjoys licking feet. The dirtier the better, according to B.
Jason’s band has a show at 11:00 am today. Pretty early- it’s at a neighborhood festival with a parade and stuff. They’re not really expecting much of a turnout. But last night we all ‘tied one on,’ despite the fact that the guys needed to leave by 10 at the latest. I went to bed around midnight, and when I woke up at 3:00, Jason was playing this cute murder game on the Xbox 360 and chatting (loudly) with his good friend in Texas who plays the same game. I really thought that Jason should go to bed now, and since I was still under the influence of the earlier drinks, I proceeded to harass the living fuck out of him about it. I even called his Texas friend multiple times on his cell phone to tell him that Jason needs to go to bed ASAP.
Jason ended up getting out of bed and on the road on time, but I was still too tired to go along with him. However, I found a nice series of notes that I had left for him throughout the house last night.
These were on the dining room table. One the left note, I tried to write “you should go to bed soon” but could only manage “you should go tr beb sso” before I crumpled it and started another.
These were on the wall next to where he was sitting:
Best of all, this one was written on the kitchen wall (in ink). It’s difficult to make out in this photo, but it says “Call the sand man and go to sleep”.
Eh, we needed to touch up those chipped spots anyway.
I also found this written on the back of a Subway napkin. It was a pretty fun night.
I hope their show goes well; sorry I couldn’t make it.
Our sweet dog Stella can be pretty sketchy sometimes. It’s hard to get her to relax- she’s usually on ‘patrol’ and is constantly alert. Which is normally not a big deal since we’re used to it. But when it thunders, she FREAKS out. She runs around making these little woof woof sounds and puffing out her cheeks. Every few minutes she’ll erupt into a full-fledged barking frenzy, which gets our other dog riled up and turns into a big old headache for everyone. But if you sit with Stella during a storm and cover her ears with your hands, she mellows out and the thunder doesn’t seem to bother her so much.
Today we had a series of really severe thunderstorms and I thought about crafting some earmuffs for Stella. I’d call them “Thunder Muffs” and would eventually make & sell thousands of them. This would allow me to retire in a couple of years and enjoy a long, comfortable Thunder Muff life. So I did a quick search to make sure no one else was already using the name Thunder Muffs. Unfortunately, someone has already developed earmuffs for dogs (with a much less clever name than mine, btw). But “thunder muffs” yielded some interesting search returns, this being my favorite (from Amazon.com):
Wow, a Thunder Muff Hygiene Kit! Perfect for daily Thunder Muff grooming! What woman couldn’t use one of these? And at only $5.97, I am set for holiday gift-giving this year.
Seriously, what is it? I’m sure it’s a product related to headphones since the description says it has an ‘extra long padded headband,’ but why is it called a hygiene kit? I really wish there were customer reviews for the Thunder Muff Hygiene Kit so I could learn more. Maybe I’ll order one and try it on Stella next time it rains.
Is more of this kind of news story! I am proud to say that this gem comes from my home state. Apparently a man working at a McDonald’s in Iowa has been feeding a commune of stray cats for several years. Six. Six kitties. This is different than your run-of-the-mill, man-feeds-cats story though. Observe the amount of time and tender loving care that went into the making of this piece. Look at all the different shots. Close ups of fries. Multiple interviews. And the profuse alliteration! But best of all: they put a mic on the cats’ food dish.
The video’s description only says “cats eat at Mcdonalds.” I think this story deserves a much grander title than that. I do have to say that it would be refreshing to live somplace where stray cats would warrant this kind of media attention. Our neighborhood pizzeria owner just strangled his daughter with a bungee cord and that story only got mentioned in the ‘news briefs’ section here.
By the way, while I was trying to find this particular video on google, I came across a review for another Iowa McDonald’s. I just have to include the full text here. It’s tempting to read it out loud with a southern accent, but this woman most likely doesn’t have one (note the use of ‘pop’ rather than ’soda’). You can access the review here, if for some reason you want to.
“I love eating at McDonalds. It is a good place to eat that you can get by with spending less than $5 if you order a value meal or off of the dollar menu. I do not go there alot, but it is a treat when I do. I have been to McDonald’s in Marion, Iowa a handful of times and my decision is that I am not pleased with it. On one of my first trips there, I ordered the two cheeseburger value meal, along with a meal for my boyfriend and his friend. We went through the drive thru and had two sacks of food. When we got to our destination, I pulled out everyones food and my sandwiches were not there. That ticked me off. I paid for them and they were no where to be found. So my meal consisted of fries and a drink. What a treat that was.
Another time when I was going through the drive thru there, I ordered a meal with a drink. They handed out the bag and the drink with no straw. I checked the bag and there was not one, so I waited until the person came back to the window and asked for the straw. The person acted like it was a big deal to have to get me a straw. Do not work fast food if you do not want to help others by doing your job.
Another time they filled my drink too full and handed it out anyway. As soon as I put the straw in it, pop gushed out all over onto my hand, the cup and my shorts. I was not too impressed.
So if you do decide to eat here, you best bet may be not to use the drive thru!”
I finally saw Harold and Maude. I’ve been wanting to watch it forever, but for whatever reason just now got around to it. I enjoyed it quite a bit, but think I was expecting to like it a little more than I did. I was really smitten with Harold though- he seemed like someone I would have gotten along with pretty well. After the movie, I did a bit of research to learn more about Bud Cort, the actor who played Harold. It turns out that he has been in lots of films and tv shows, but the most amazing thing is that he actually lived with Groucho Marx during the end of Groucho’s life. Bud had some health issues stemming from a car wreck, and Groucho offered to let him move in and share the convenience of his live-in nurse. According to this website, Bud says:
“Five years after Harold and Maude, I appeared in a film called Why Shoot the Teacher?,” Cort recalls. “So Groucho organized an evening at the Directors Guild for the movie, but he had a stroke that afternoon. I ran home but wasn’t allowed to see him. Then Erin Fleming, the woman who took care of him, held out her hand and said, ‘Groucho’s got a present for you.’ His tooth. It had fallen out that afternoon and he’d said, ‘Let’s give it to Bud for good luck tonight.’ I started laughing, then crying. Erin gave me a Valium, which I downed with a swig of vodka. I opened my hand to look at the tooth, and I’m holding the Valium – I had swallowed Groucho’s tooth! Elliott Gould said it would take two and a half days to pass through me. On the third day my agent called and fired me. I was so stunned that I went to the bathroom and, well, got the tooth.”
Bud sounds like my kind of guy- rooting through his feces to find someone else’s tooth. All of my own teeth are individually preserved in flourescent-colored plastic ‘treasure chests’ from my dentist. I can only hope that one day others might be inspired to have treasure hunts with dooky and my teeth.
Our sweet dog Stella can be pretty sketchy sometimes. It’s hard to get her to relax- she’s usually on ‘patrol’ and is constantly alert. Which is normally not a big deal since we’re used to it. But when it thunders, she FREAKS out. She runs around making these little woof woof sounds and puffing out her cheeks. Every few minutes she’ll erupt into a full-fledged barking frenzy, which gets our other dog riled up and turns into a big old headache for everyone. But if you sit with Stella during a storm and cover her ears with your hands, she mellows out and the thunder doesn’t seem to bother her so much.
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